a bold post.

Woke at 6am this morning. Tone slept over at my place for gig this morning. Interesting experience, but super tiring! haha.

So i nap 2pm. Got interrupted by a call from patrick.
Edgar (Patrick's ex partner and ongoing business partner for almost 15 years) bought him a macbook pro. A freaking macbook pro.
I thought that was really nice of him; it's such a fantastic gift anyone can receive!

Yet, the evil jealousy reins. I will not like to admit it. And if patrick or edgar is reading this I don't know how things will go from now on. Seems like blogging gives me a sense of release, at least I know my thoughts are out there for those who care to pry.
Maybe I'll not publish this blog entry. maybe.

The first thing that comes to my mind is: FUCK! That's a $4000++ gift and Edgar only earns as much as patrick does. I can't help but wonder in amazement. How can one afford such an exorbitant price tag?

And if one is able to, is appropriate to give such a gift? Yes, I understand that any one gift can trump another easily in price. But this is the first time i hear a good friend buying a fucking notebook for another friend. One that costs (presumably) at least a third of a monthly paycheck! Should I practise restraint on gift buying if I am affluent, knowing that my best friend's perhaps Jessica, Yanting or Sergeoh's partner cannot afford the gift I'm purchasing?

The issue here seems to be my basic insecurity. Seems like patrick and his friends have financial mobility that I have not experienced for myself. And that scares me. Couldn't he just have bought something less expensive? A voucher for a future purchase of a macbook or like a time machine ($400+) or something? So many possiblities! "Any other gift would have been a waste of time/money" is not a valid reason to buy someone a $4000+ gift!

With that money I can afford a fucking head to toe outfit from any fashion week designer in paris or milan and still have probably cash to spare for accessories.

I am jealous. Jealous of the financial mobility that I bathe in very often with affluent people and that I am unable to wield myself. And I am tired. I'm tired of fighting my emotions with logic.

-jho